Letter to My Next Girlfriend...

In whispers I plant promises by forget me nots
And lay lillies in my bed beside me.
You denied me but uh, still- I remember you.

I dreamt of you last night...

a dream so real that i missed you when i awoke... i remember we were in my car... You were driving... i felt safe when you drove... I remember that feeling distinctively..it was nice... The radio was on but we were talking...laughing...flirting...after all this time we were still flirting... Sneaking looks at one another... We hadn't been dating for that long but i could tell... there was something there... We both just seemed so, so happy. I wanted to freeze, that image, freeze that feeling, so that i could hold on to it all day long... Then the phone rang, in my dream and in my room and i woke up...Just like that... It was over...It just felt so damn fleeting... I felt as if id only been asleep for 10 minutes but i slept 16 hours last night... When the dream was over i was left wishing i'd said so much more, done so much more... And i realized that must have been his way of alerting me to you... I don't know if that means that you're close or if i need just that much more work before he'll send you, but i digress...
My heart is the graveyard of more than one failed relationship because of my own fear & i can't live my life in fear... So... If you're out there... If you're listening...

My Dearest,
I'm already in love with the idea of you, so if only you'll show your face... I'll love you with everything in me... I'll do all i can to keep you happy, To keep you satisfied...I'll complement you perfectly but I'm not perfect & I like so many others have been hurt before, so yes, sometimes i'll be impatient, insufferable, insecure, or irrational. But there's more to me than that...I fall quickly and hard... My only request is that you catch me... Make me feel safe... I will never hurt you intentionally and i'll always be sincerely apologetic if i hurt you en route to any of my goals... Sometimes i'll be selfish...I'm working on it... And i care more than my cavalier attitude will let on...I'm petrified of rejection so sometimes i'll bluff... Call me out with a kiss... I'll melt... Keep me on my toes... Never let me forget that other women want you...But show me that You only want Me! There's a lot on my mind so if you want something...Ask for it... i like women who are aggressive... Wear your glasses around me, Wear your sweats when we make that 3am run to Wal Mart, laugh until you snort... Just be yourself... Know that when you see me just looking at you it's because you are utterly breathtaking... Ask me how my day was... touch me when we're sleeping... You don't always have to hold me but i'd like to feel you there... Be understanding... I'd like to start something new with you so i'm scared... Please don't rush me... Sometimes day by day is too fast... As long as we're on the same page... Lets just be... in tandem... Promise me that when we get to that 2 year itch we'll remember that 2 month bliss... Know that i want this time, to be my last time... We may stumble... But we don't have to fall... I do my best at romantic... But i've never really had it so... Work with me... Im easily pleased... It's fun to go out but i'd love to just stay in with you... There doesn't have to be sex involved.. I want to get used to your late night/early morning conversation ... Let me meet your family, it really means a lot to me... Talk to me, about absolutely anything... Be my bestfriend as well as my lover... Push me to be a better me... Sometimes we resist the good change but one can say anything with smile... Allow me to tell you my story and trust me enough to tell me yours... I know this may seem like a lot to digest considering i don't yet know your name... But i want you to know my intentions for you... I haven't always been good to love, i haven't always cherished her as i should have but, i'd like to think i've paid that debt and i'm ready... So with an open mind and an open heart..I wait...


Sincerely Yours...
D.Robertson...

to write love on her arms

i remember,
the frantic phone call that opened my eyes up to something i thought "only white people did"
i remember,
running up all 14 flights of stairs to get to your room only to find you on the bed shaking...with a sweater on in the 100 degree Houston heat and
her pacing the room with the phone still in hand...
I immediately assumed the worst but hell, how bad could it be if you were sitting right there
Then i saw the bottle of alcohol and the razors and i instictively told you to pull up your sleeves and i saw every dissapointment that you smiled through; in a haphazard monet on your beautiful skin...
i'd always wondered why your foundation went so fast...
i wanted to cry as you comforted me and told me that it was okay... is no big deal... Its just something you do when you dont knw what to do...
So I mumbled some poetic shit , rubbed your head untill you fell asleep and then i selfishly left...
i felt so bad because i realized that i judged you...
for being weak...
for being scared...
for being so put together on the outside but so... not on the inside...
"to write love on her arms"
that's the trendy way to say it...
but to me it was just another pain i couldn't take from a friend...
So because i knew i couldn't stop you...
I figured i'd join you...
I told you to get a tattoo with me...
it would be my first, your second...
we got em on our wrist... Our initials...
that shit hurt... lol
but you seemed happy... so i was too...
and involuntarily i started to understand...
bc although it hurt like hell... in that moment...
nothing else mattered...
not my moms expectations...
or my friends betrayals...
or my girlfriends dissapointments...
i could HANDLE this pain...
i could CONTROL it...
i could CHOOSE it...


that was in 2005...
though our friendship didn't stick...
that escape you taught me did...
As strong as i seem...
All it takes is a trained eye to read my story...
the ankh on my finger - was the day she told me she didn't believe in marraige...
the butterfly on my back was the day she told me she loved me but wanted to be with her...
the rose on my thigh was when i didn't hear from her for 10 days...
the flower on my wrist... atop OUR tattoo was the day i felt like y'all didn't love me anymore...
23 tattoos in 4 years...
... and i had the audacity to judge you...

i don't know where you are or what you're doing...
but i remember...
and im sorry...

Random Musings

Music Playing, No Lights, Candles lit
Blinds drawn CLOSED... Have to sit alone and get in a zone
just to write...
See what was once my sanctuary from solitude
now feels too much like a task,
and a rebel by nature i tend to shun those...
See lately although those close to me are
used to prose and pretty little rhymes you
can box up and take home to mama...

I feel like not making any sense.


I feel like just being. and if that means that my writing is not up to its normal "paR" then sobeit...

I mean im sorry but i just dont feel it anymore... Its like college... Its my mothers dream that has become my nightmare. I hate it... but i feel like i owe it to her... So im here...

I lost my entire train of thought... But i'll be bcak soon...

R all these Years worth nothing? Is it Over? An Ode to a Friend.

You came to me; a tenth of a century ago
but began to grown with me a twentieth...
Open heart but somewhat closed minded...
See, you'd seen too much & though you still believed
you were just wary of jumping on the bandwagon.
And you were absolutely correct.
But i saw you past your facade as i believe you saw me
and i began to allow myself to truly, love you.
No matter the flaws, no matter the foes, no matter the girlfriends,
no matter the hoes.
A long as you're good to me...
I was happy to be your sidekick.
Perfectly content.
Nothing that you could do for me and i fear thats what you think,
see i loved you enough to struggle with you,
hell to struggle for you but i don't know if you
were open enough to allow me.
BUT..
I'd hang in there... At least i'd try...
See i dealt with all the arguments from mines about me being yours
because i loved you...
But no one will ever know the pain i felt when i realized that you
put yours before me...
&& things got so bad. But i still believed...
Kindred, remember?
I'd allowed myself to need you and then you just kinda dropped me..
But i'm forgiving but i think this last time;
it hit a nerve.
I saw it all happening again...
So in that 2 week span i felt as if i'd lost you
&& her.
Too Much for me...
Entirely too much...
You showed me my path and i chose another route...That didn't mean i chose another you.
There is still that spot. I can fill it physically But hell...I even think i miss that cackle... (Pre the woman at Kroger)

So uhm...i guess what i'm saying is...THe next time i'm in Houston Crack on me?

True Tea...

Wifey vs. Girlfriend

--- Your girlfriend will hang up the phone when she gets mad.
--- Your wifey will sit there and yell till you understand... even if u dont.

--- Your girlfriend will smile and laugh quietly at your jokes.
--- Your wifey will burst out laughing not caring if she looks stupid.

--- Only you will know when your girlfriend is mad at you.
--- Your whole crew will know when your wifey is mad at you.

--- Your girlfriend only knows a few about your friends.
--- Your wifey has inside jokes with them.

--- Your girlfriend remembers the day you guys started going out and your birthday untill you two break up.
--- Your wifey knows the day you started going out, your birthday, the first time you two kissed, and so much more even after you two break up.

--- Your girlfriend will tell you what she adores about you.
--- Your wifey will tell you everything she adores and hates about you.

--- Your girlfriend will be there till you tell her to leave.
--- Your wifey will be there even after you beg her to leave.

--- Everytime you see your girlfriend you smile.
--- Everytime you see your wifey your heart beats differently.

--- Your girlfriend wants the best for you even if it's not her and she tells u that.
--- Your wifey goes through hell and it kills her to think of you with someone else and she tells you that.

--- Your girlfriend will move on when it's over and keep you there as a friend.
--- Your wifey will cry her eyes out and try to fix what went wrong.

--- You know that she's just a girlfriend when you look at her and think of someone else.
--- You know that she's your wifey wen she's the one you think of when you look at someone else.

Basically:

Who first came to your mind when you read the wifey part?
Who ever that was, is your wifey.
If you have that wifey let them know.
If you have a girlfriend and you miss your wifey.. let her go.

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself,[a] but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.[b]

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete[c] comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

---

You learn something new everyday don't you?... I looked up this verse strictly randomly... but its so beautiful.

Out of Body...

Out Of Body...

Hey you...

Hey,

You...

Hi

my name is Dezjwarna'e. But uhm most people call me Dez.. I'm 21 and just slightly a hardcore Sagittarius...lol...

im 5'8 on a GOOD day 5'9... but i feel really short. i love to talk but i'll be silent if i think you're not listening... i write, and i sing but they both have to come from a passionate place or they just dont come out right.. At least to me... I'm not needy but i do have trust issues, past experiences have only further exacerbated tht problem... Sorry... But once i believe in you... You'll know it... you'll feel it... Im expressive, if i love you... Normally i'll tell you unless i think it'll push you away... I am not a fan of casual sex or slutty girls... in fact i'm quite anti both of these things... i love kids but i don't think i want them anymore,,, i dont thinki have enough love left to give them... I'm loyal to a fault... yet, it seems like the only person that it seems to hurt is me... so ye, i may be re-evaluating tht triat soon... ii love to be held but i'll probably NEVER admit to it... its not gangster... like at all... but it'll mean so much if you figure it out... i dont have many friends but i used to be surrounded by people... I've drastically cut down on tht... im tired of it frankly.. people are over-rated, they hurt you and lie to you and ugh... it's just not worth it... i love to be alone but im so scaredof being lonely, i believe tht leads to an early grave... I love my family... sometimes i feel overwhelmed though...As much as people dont believe i finally let my ex go... For some reason people tht she was this golden child tht i was supposed to be with... personally i think she was a leaf and we all know what happens to leaves in the winter... No love lost though... Just perspective gained...im really, really shy and at times although i can be a bit narcissistic i think i only matter to me... thus it ALWAYS surprises me when someone remembers my name... the most tiny, simple, little everyday things can either make my day or hurt my heart... Those big gestures normally seem so thought out, so planned tht i tend to look to the little shit thts normally unconscious to see what i mean to someone.. i think tht my loved ones take me for granted. a lot...but hey... wat can u do?... Heck, they crucified Jesus , what makes me think they gone care about lil ol me...?...





im single but my heart is taken... its a precarious situation but i own it... i hope tht it remains intact as to what it is now... though broken, its holding.

im a dreamer and when i believe in something i believe in it... but see all i believe in at this moment is me... the kids and her... evrything else normally blows with the wind... and even she's shaky so...







huh?

i'm sorry... ye thats Dez-Jwar-nae... damn, im so sorry, i thought you were somene else... you look just like someone i used to know...

i mean the same eyes, same hair,same smile... shit.

i apologize for wasting your time...thanks for understanding... lol... ye you've been there too... what was her name?... really?... how long were y'all together... damn us too... funny...well look if you needa talk about it... if you needa cry about it... when you're ready to let it go call me...

i may be able to help...i know someone ud be perfect for...

call it my female intuition but im sure she'd love to meet you again tooo...