...If Only You Knew...

Black on Black Crime...

2010-09-09T01:44:00.001-07:00

She's killing me
& because she told me from jump, she has not an ounce of guilt...
Its true, I knew...
But its like a broken record, I just keep living it...
Yet, day by day I have less and less to say... maybe its the cacophony of emotion on the tip of my tounge bc,
Time after time I realize that only in my mind am I yours, and you mines...
I recognize that the fine lines that blur my vision when a vision of you graces my line of vision is nothing more than a prison I've engulfed myself in to keep from truly falling in love again...
And I told myself I wouldn't let those past hurts win but...
How else can I explain sabotaging myself time after again with these emotionally unstable, cripplingly capable, only physically available women?
See, I don't mean to toot my own horn but I'm a good one, one of those rare women with the ability to have you so focused on what's coming next from my lips that ur almost too enthralled to feel urself cumming from yours...
I don't think I ask for more than I can give and I'm tired of existing, I need a woman ready to live...
And although I meet women interested all the time, the only one truly interesting just doesn't give the kind
Of attention I desire nor the affection I demand; its such a beautiful death...ain't love grand?
I push and she pulls
I stay as she goes
And I get so tired of all the substitute hoes...
Its killing me keeping hope when she's said herself , "she understands, its fine"
Somehow, I'm stuck on the fact that I want her to be mines, and am I giving myself more stress, taking days off of my life?
Maybe
But how would I appreciate joy, if not for the strife?
Although I've heard it before, I finally get the real reason and rhyme, fuck the guns and the drugs...this is the real black on black crime...

Black on Black Crime...

2010-09-09T01:44:00.000-07:00

But we're friends, Right? Right. Right!

2010-08-19T01:56:00.001-07:00

My "Best Friend" asked me why it's soo hard for me to believe that the people who say they love me... Actually love me... & i strained my brain to find he words to truly explain how the words to me aren't enough... I can say i'm a purple elephant with Oscar worthy sincerity and be full o' shit!

So, i NEED to feel you to believe you ... Like Charlie WIlson said, "Show me you love me, and you dont have to say a word." No matter how someone says they FEEL about me.. It's all in their actions... I mean, look at me... i know that

Feelings are a finicky thing... && i always seem to catch them unwisely... See, i've been programmed to believe that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts so i... ALLOW...

i ALLOW you to hurt my feelings beyond comprehension in the name of your intentions giving myself verbal inhibitions because i don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me...
i ALLOW myself to be what you need me to be and not what i want to be because i know that you need that right now....
i ALLOW you to feel my love, when you want it.. Because it reinforces what i tell myself which is that i am not loving in vain...
i ALLOW myself to be suspended in time until you're at peace enough in yourself to truly be mines...
i ALLOW myself to be stagnant simply because i know that i'm not looking to waste my time... When i go into a situation i like to go into it with an open mind and an open heart ...
i ALLOW because i know that my all is what i give and my all is, well it's real...

But then, i let my momentary delusions become more realistic conclusions...

&& i think about it, i pray i breathe and try to condition myself to be the "friend" you want me to be...

Love Don't Love Me...

2010-08-02T02:24:00.001-07:00

Soo, i came home tonight emotional... See... I really think you ruined me... Before i met you, Before i loved you i was okay with settling... i thought that you'd never find all you were looking for in one package so just stop looking... You love the one you're with and keep it moving... But then i met you... Fresh out the gym, sweaty ass hell... lol.. Soo, You were my Stink :-) Even in the middle of the night, running on no sleep and half blind, i saw a beautiful creature cloaked in love... & i lived, i learned... i LOVED... and i miss it.. I miss the butterflies, i miss the laughs, i even miss the tears because to me, it was worth it... Only God knows just how empty i feel at times... It's like no one could really ever measure up to what i know i had... and i see soo much of you exuded from me... You were more than wonderful, simply amazing... you loved me past myself... You loved Dezjwarna'e simply for me being Dezjwarna'e... Not for the fact that i'm known around town, or i can put it down or because i simply write my ass off... Just because you loved me...& i wasn't ready for you... You were my own little happy ending... But it ended...

Soo,

What now?... Do i sit around, always frown and vow to never love again? I can't see it...Because i know im worth a match made in Heaven and i REFUSE to let the Devil win... For awhile i was soo numb... Soo numb... And then i met her... Randomly, Innocently... I wasn't really gonna speak but she was soo beautiful. Soo stunning that i couldn't Not Speak.. She had this air about her... she was gorgeous, put together just right, but she looked so fragile... like she'd been broken and all i could think to call her was Doll... & we became friends... Then that friendship evolved into something that i didn't think i was ready for... Because see, though my heart still hurts, with every other beat i feel her... Soo very different then what i'm used to but everything that i want and need... How it happened i'll never know but i love her with a fire that i cant explain... a passion that i don't understand. She can make me smile and cry in the same breath and she's never far from my brain... But see, the she before me was the reason for the pain behind her smile and now she's not ready for me...

It could all be so simple but it's so hard to love what just can't seem to love me...

seven

2010-04-18T20:16:00.001-07:00

I'm twenty-two years old...
My life consists of deciding whether i wanna goto work or class
Figuring out who means me well and who doesn't...
Balancing my weekend nights and my early mornings..
Building a relationship with my mother as a woman...
Learning how to gracefully deal with the predjudices that come with the fact that i don't want a man...
and it's a life full... i'm busy, i'm tired, and sometimes i just check out bc i need a vacation...
during this last session of "checking out"
i thought of what i was doing at
seven...
I guess that was a good age...
the age of pigtails, mary janes,easter dresses and all those why's...
the why's that make all the sense in the world to a child but are so hard for a parent to answer...
pta meetings, school recitals, basketball games, mommy and me days, play dates, birthday parties, ...
monsters under the bed that only mommy could vanquish
boo boos only mommy could kiss
accomplishments that only mommy could validate
stories only mommy could read
decisions only mommy could make and a smart ass mouth that only mommy could quiet
and the fact that my mom comes up in almost every memory makes me wonder...
What it would've been like without her?
Without her strength as a woman... her sacrifices so i could succeed...
and i wonder could i do it?
am i strong enough?
am i selfless enough?
with all the hell i gave my mom...
could i fill her shoes?
Could i do all that she did?
Could i live the life that was mapped out for me?...
Honestly,
i don't know...
Would i have been good enough?
Smart enough,
stable enough,
able enough?
SO many women do it and apparently it just wasn't in the cards for me...
For a long time i cried, wondered why and let my faith be shaken...
But then it came back to me that He only brings you to it, if he can bring you through it...
As i live this life, confused daily, just hoping i'm doing enough to make it to Heaven...
Today i realize, i aknowledge, that my little girl, would be 7...

& i allowed myself to love you...

2010-04-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

lately, i've been feeling a way that i really can't put into words...
I've ran from tears trying to face my fears and at this very moment... this very instance... all i can think about is you... From the way you use to rub my hair to the way i can still smell you... Call me crazy, call me stupid... call me whatever you like... But i speak my truth... Donny said i love you in a place where there's no space or time... I love you for my life... You were truly a friend of mines... & now that we're living as these separate entities...i feel a little lost... Everything that's good in my life, it shines a little less... I really miss you...Your presence mostly... The WE that we were my never be again...But God, how i miss my friend... The one that knew me like no other person...The person who could calm me down before i knew that i was upset... Lately, you've been on my mind more than you ever were...But i keep my distance and say that i'm okay...

& i am... All things considered... I'm doing okay... Moving forward and whatnot... But... If ever a day goes byt hat you feel like no one understands... Like no one cares... Like no one loves you...

Please...

Remember me... Remember US... Remember LovE!

...When Love is the Problem...

2010-04-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

Who really solves them?

You ask me to pay for her mistakes... and you ask me to pay for his... && all i can really think about in this vicious circle is God Bless the poor soul who has to pay for mines... The older i get, the more bullshit i see disguised as emotion...namely disguised as love... I've encountered all the types... The hard stud who was secretly still taking dick, the bi-sexual who was still "trying to find herself", the femme who was hurt by a stud, the stud who was hurt by a stud... lol... and so on and so forth... && there are so many similarities...I, personally wasn't one of those girls who went through bitch nigga after bitch nigga and said, "fuck it, i should just be with a bitch nigga" .. this "lifestyle" isn't a phase for me... This is my life and i thought that i could actually build something with you... Maybe it was silly of me... Or maybe, just maybe... The two ships passing in the night were both supposed to dock.

Who knows?

But, i do know that i'm a tiny bit tired of this merry-go-round of fuckery... I'm just a bit too old for silly shit... i really am... But i won't lie... I'm a little scared... See, i told myself that i would no longer hold back and i would go into my situations, my relationships heart first... But heart-first has gotten me into a lot of trouble... lol... Maybe i'm stronger for it...But the thought that all the chances that {SHE} deserves :(whoever {SHE} is), i'm using up on the randoms...

So, how do you know when to say when? Before or after you feel yourself shut down? I'm ready but i really dunno if i'm willing... Not anymore... But why should you have to pay for what she did? FuckFuckFuck... Theres that cycle again...

*sigh*

When love is the problem...

Hopefully, i figure out this answer...

...

2010-04-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

i admit...
i miss you...

Down here in Hell... W/O You...

2010-03-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

Forgive me, Van Hunt for tampering with your title but...

I had to personalize...

I really want to believe that {she} is what's best for you... I want to believe that {she's} the Yin to your Yang, the Delilah to your Samson... i want to believe that {she} possesses the qualities that i do..

See, i know that i'm nowhere near perfect but i believe that i'm perfect for you...I guess Trey Songz said it best... "& now i see the woman you need, when i look into the mirror i see change and i just close my eyes and wish that you could see the same"...We all have our ways of coping... Our ways of forgetting, of moving forward... But sometimes i wonder... Was this a mistake? Why do i still get this nagging, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that whispers your name in my ear? Why are there still all these unanswered questions? Why won't you just go away?

I remember the day that i found out that my ringtone was the title of this blog... I was offended beyond measure...See, i'd never heard the song...All i knew was the title... And in my young mind, when my feelings got hurt... Lashing out was the only acceptable way to express this... You live, You learn...But even after all this time.. The love remains.. it hasnt wavered.. A large part of my heart told me that if i want something...If i believe in it... To fight for it... Fight until the fight in you has left... What we had wasn't perfect but don't you think we owe it to love, to give it one more shot?

I still have fight in me... & i still adore you... When you're ready ...Come home-Or invite me into the home you've built...Let me know you want to build a home together...

I'm not asking you to be my woman... I just miss you in my life... You told me that you saw us again... That you still wanted us, the house, the kids, the whole deal... I overstand you needing to experience something other than me... But please,
Come home soon...

Because i am truly down here in hell... Without you...

She called me crazy but she thinks i'm stupid...

2010-02-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hurt people, Hurt People
Right?

Right?

Well see when they tell you that nice lil tidbt of information they tend to leave out what else hurt people do...
They leave out the fact that when you're a survivor of a broken heart you come out of it different... Stronger? Yes.
But jaded.

Not to mention, if you were with a good liar, you come out of the relationship Inspector effing Gadget....

You can crack voicemail codes, internet passwords, body language,& evasive statements all without breaking a sweat. && i always used to talk about "that girl"

I thought she was insecure...

But she's not insecure... she's tired of getting her damn feelings hurt...

So she paints on a smile and learns to "pick her battles" which is judt slang for, "roll her eyes in the dark and cry when she's alone" && i'm sure the other girl thinks she has it made... In fact, i'm pretty sure she does... but i don't know if anyone ever told her that she will get tired and she will leave...

Remember...

You never know what you have untill you no longer have it... & with every bullshit response, every shoddily put together story, ever tear that stains her pretty face in your honor. You're rushing that date...

I hope it's worth it...

Frazzled Femmes Are Fucking Fantastic! An ode to Doll...

2009-12-29T00:52:00.000-08:00

It was never my intention to mean anything significant to you.

Nor you to me...

But even with my eyes closed there were a few things i couldn't help but see...
So, "cliche" i'm sure you'll say but i see more in you than i'd like to admit,
more than your smart mouth,
more than your hard front,
more than your bullshit...

I see a woman with a heart made of gold with unease in her eyes,
I see the memory of those who hurt you buried in a shallow grave beneath your pride,
I see a woman trying to find her way but a bit scared to leave the bed,
A woman who values what her heart says but is trying to think with her head.
I see a woman scorned & i understand. No i OVERstand because i've felt what's in your heart...

But don't you think you deserve better?
Deserve a new start?

You don't have to live in your pain,
you experienced...
Move forward with the lessons.

Don't become a cynic.
Don't block your blessings.

She's right in front of your face,
Ready to give you all you're worth and more.
So, listen. Take her seriously.
What are you waiting for?

RB #6584317 {a femmes tangent}

2009-12-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

I used to "pimp proof" my phone...
No one and i mean no one had an actual name. My moms name was even somein like "Goin Bk 2 Cali" ... lol...
I did this because females have a bad habit of picking up peoples phones. Now, it's true that i didn't have any obligations to anyone but who really wants to deal with a whiny female whose feelings have just been hurt (albeit lowkey and their own fault)? My friends used to hate it though... lol... And the females that i was actually talking to had these labels... Rb # 1, 2, 3 and so on and so forth. RB=Random Bitch.
I know it seems a lil harsh but i'm just giving my testimony! Now as they would get more significant they'd get names... But what i wonder is while i was labeling them RB's what were they labeling me? lol... I'm no fool, nor am i delusional. Thus i know that if they meant that little to me, the feeling had to be mutual.
This was a couple of years ago and i grew, i learned, i got into a relationship and i let the RB's go. Now that i'm single again...I find myself acquiring these RB's again... And i have mixed feelings about it... RB's can be fun, if you catch a good one- satisfactory even...but they normally dont have much substance. & as i get older fine just doesn't do it for me anymore...
Especially these femmes... OMGoodness! Now anyone that knows me knows that i loves me a femme and i always have! But lately it seems as these femmes have been trying to coast on the fact that they're attractive... Okay...You're cute, I'm cute we should click! No ma'am...
I want to be stimulated mentally...
tell me something today and make me think about it tomorrow... Ask me a question tht makes me have to google to answer... Make me smile when i see your name on my phone... Make me text you b4 i goto sleep... Hell make me call you and check in... Just because... Make me want to cook for you... Be CONSISTENT!
I don't think i'm asking too much... I wouldn't care but the RB's have the gall to start feeling some kind of way when you're talking to someone else or they're not getting the attention they want or whatever...
So this is my PSA. If you want my attention, If you want me to take you seriously... Re-read this blog and cross check it to your actions...
That just may be why i've yet to respond to your call/text/email/i.m etc.

-D.Robertson

lwbw@h

2009-12-17T03:01:00.000-08:00

Tonight I allow myself to remember you...
I remember the first time I saw your face... I was coming from my room to the computer lab to do a paper... id just gotten off the phone with my girlfriend. But I walked in and took one look at you and I just knew... sweats, a hoodie and that snatchback I would come to know so well... a mouth full of braces but a smile that lit up the room... I told u that day that you would be my wife and I meant it with all my heart... u laughed... fast forward two years and I got an I.M.- we spoke briefly and exchanged numbers... you called me tht day 2 minutes after I told u I would get off work... we talked and talked and talked... I had a girlfriend though, you knew... u didn't care but u knew... we continued to converse and we got closer and closer... I remember the day I began to trust you... u called me and told me tht ur best friend had locked u out... I talked to you for hours to calm u down... about 2 weeks later u drove 11 hours to surprise me because I had a bad day and I was done for...I fell in love with you in that camry. I called you after u left and left a voicemail on your phone telling you how I asked God for a blessing and He sent me you... from then on it was me and you against the world... and we made a pretty good team... I opened up to you in ways I never thought I could but I was also very scared... id never cared about anyone like I cared about you... so... I hid myself... I apologize. You deserved more... but I wasn't able to fight my fear...I just never fully understood why you loved me... ur so pretty... so smart ... so much more than I thought I deserved... and u picked me... the pretty, chubby girl with the smart mouth... Honestly in a lot of ways I felt like u deserved so much more than I could ever be... it began to eat at me... and things got rough... so very rough...but I never thought the bad times overshadowed the good... because through all the bullshit we truly had the best of times... I'll keep those with me as I hope you will... this blog is extremely personal but I'm sure only you'll read everything I kept out, kept private... always will never be long enough and {she} can have the tommorrows because no one can ever take our yesterdays... I love you still, always have, always will.

Letter to My Next Girlfriend...

2009-12-09T01:41:00.001-08:00

In whispers I plant promises by forget me nots
And lay lillies in my bed beside me.
You denied me but uh, still- I remember you.

I dreamt of you last night...

a dream so real that i missed you when i awoke... i remember we were in my car... You were driving... i felt safe when you drove... I remember that feeling distinctively..it was nice... The radio was on but we were talking...laughing...flirting...after all this time we were still flirting... Sneaking looks at one another... We hadn't been dating for that long but i could tell... there was something there... We both just seemed so, so happy. I wanted to freeze, that image, freeze that feeling, so that i could hold on to it all day long... Then the phone rang, in my dream and in my room and i woke up...Just like that... It was over...It just felt so damn fleeting... I felt as if id only been asleep for 10 minutes but i slept 16 hours last night... When the dream was over i was left wishing i'd said so much more, done so much more... And i realized that must have been his way of alerting me to you... I don't know if that means that you're close or if i need just that much more work before he'll send you, but i digress...
My heart is the graveyard of more than one failed relationship because of my own fear & i can't live my life in fear... So... If you're out there... If you're listening...

My Dearest,
I'm already in love with the idea of you, so if only you'll show your face... I'll love you with everything in me... I'll do all i can to keep you happy, To keep you satisfied...I'll complement you perfectly but I'm not perfect & I like so many others have been hurt before, so yes, sometimes i'll be impatient, insufferable, insecure, or irrational. But there's more to me than that...I fall quickly and hard... My only request is that you catch me... Make me feel safe... I will never hurt you intentionally and i'll always be sincerely apologetic if i hurt you en route to any of my goals... Sometimes i'll be selfish...I'm working on it... And i care more than my cavalier attitude will let on...I'm petrified of rejection so sometimes i'll bluff... Call me out with a kiss... I'll melt... Keep me on my toes... Never let me forget that other women want you...But show me that You only want Me! There's a lot on my mind so if you want something...Ask for it... i like women who are aggressive... Wear your glasses around me, Wear your sweats when we make that 3am run to Wal Mart, laugh until you snort... Just be yourself... Know that when you see me just looking at you it's because you are utterly breathtaking... Ask me how my day was... touch me when we're sleeping... You don't always have to hold me but i'd like to feel you there... Be understanding... I'd like to start something new with you so i'm scared... Please don't rush me... Sometimes day by day is too fast... As long as we're on the same page... Lets just be... in tandem... Promise me that when we get to that 2 year itch we'll remember that 2 month bliss... Know that i want this time, to be my last time... We may stumble... But we don't have to fall... I do my best at romantic... But i've never really had it so... Work with me... Im easily pleased... It's fun to go out but i'd love to just stay in with you... There doesn't have to be sex involved.. I want to get used to your late night/early morning conversation ... Let me meet your family, it really means a lot to me... Talk to me, about absolutely anything... Be my bestfriend as well as my lover... Push me to be a better me... Sometimes we resist the good change but one can say anything with smile... Allow me to tell you my story and trust me enough to tell me yours... I know this may seem like a lot to digest considering i don't yet know your name... But i want you to know my intentions for you... I haven't always been good to love, i haven't always cherished her as i should have but, i'd like to think i've paid that debt and i'm ready... So with an open mind and an open heart..I wait...

Sincerely Yours...
D.Robertson...

to write love on her arms

2009-10-26T22:27:00.001-07:00

i remember,
the frantic phone call that opened my eyes up to something i thought "only white people did"
i remember,
running up all 14 flights of stairs to get to your room only to find you on the bed shaking...with a sweater on in the 100 degree Houston heat and
her pacing the room with the phone still in hand...
I immediately assumed the worst but hell, how bad could it be if you were sitting right there
Then i saw the bottle of alcohol and the razors and i instictively told you to pull up your sleeves and i saw every dissapointment that you smiled through; in a haphazard monet on your beautiful skin...
i'd always wondered why your foundation went so fast...
i wanted to cry as you comforted me and told me that it was okay... is no big deal... Its just something you do when you dont knw what to do...
So I mumbled some poetic shit , rubbed your head untill you fell asleep and then i selfishly left...
i felt so bad because i realized that i judged you...
for being weak...
for being scared...
for being so put together on the outside but so... not on the inside...
"to write love on her arms"
that's the trendy way to say it...
but to me it was just another pain i couldn't take from a friend...
So because i knew i couldn't stop you...
I figured i'd join you...
I told you to get a tattoo with me...
it would be my first, your second...
we got em on our wrist... Our initials...
that shit hurt... lol
but you seemed happy... so i was too...
and involuntarily i started to understand...
bc although it hurt like hell... in that moment...
nothing else mattered...
not my moms expectations...
or my friends betrayals...
or my girlfriends dissapointments...
i could HANDLE this pain...
i could CONTROL it...
i could CHOOSE it...

that was in 2005...
though our friendship didn't stick...
that escape you taught me did...
As strong as i seem...
All it takes is a trained eye to read my story...
the ankh on my finger - was the day she told me she didn't believe in marraige...
the butterfly on my back was the day she told me she loved me but wanted to be with her...
the rose on my thigh was when i didn't hear from her for 10 days...
the flower on my wrist... atop OUR tattoo was the day i felt like y'all didn't love me anymore...
23 tattoos in 4 years...
... and i had the audacity to judge you...

i don't know where you are or what you're doing...
but i remember...
and im sorry...

Random Musings

2009-10-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

Music Playing, No Lights, Candles lit
Blinds drawn CLOSED... Have to sit alone and get in a zone
just to write...
See what was once my sanctuary from solitude
now feels too much like a task,
and a rebel by nature i tend to shun those...
See lately although those close to me are
used to prose and pretty little rhymes you
can box up and take home to mama...

I feel like not making any sense.

I feel like just being. and if that means that my writing is not up to its normal "paR" then sobeit...

I mean im sorry but i just dont feel it anymore... Its like college... Its my mothers dream that has become my nightmare. I hate it... but i feel like i owe it to her... So im here...

I lost my entire train of thought... But i'll be bcak soon...

R all these Years worth nothing? Is it Over? An Ode to a Friend.

2009-10-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

You came to me; a tenth of a century ago
but began to grown with me a twentieth...
Open heart but somewhat closed minded...
See, you'd seen too much & though you still believed
you were just wary of jumping on the bandwagon.
And you were absolutely correct.
But i saw you past your facade as i believe you saw me
and i began to allow myself to truly, love you.
No matter the flaws, no matter the foes, no matter the girlfriends,
no matter the hoes.
A long as you're good to me...
I was happy to be your sidekick.
Perfectly content.
Nothing that you could do for me and i fear thats what you think,
see i loved you enough to struggle with you,
hell to struggle for you but i don't know if you
were open enough to allow me.
BUT..
I'd hang in there... At least i'd try...
See i dealt with all the arguments from mines about me being yours
because i loved you...
But no one will ever know the pain i felt when i realized that you
put yours before me...
&& things got so bad. But i still believed...
Kindred, remember?
I'd allowed myself to need you and then you just kinda dropped me..
But i'm forgiving but i think this last time;
it hit a nerve.
I saw it all happening again...
So in that 2 week span i felt as if i'd lost you
&& her.
Too Much for me...
Entirely too much...
You showed me my path and i chose another route...That didn't mean i chose another you.
There is still that spot. I can fill it physically But hell...I even think i miss that cackle... (Pre the woman at Kroger)

So uhm...i guess what i'm saying is...THe next time i'm in Houston Crack on me?

True Tea...

2009-09-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Wifey vs. Girlfriend

--- Your girlfriend will hang up the phone when she gets mad.
--- Your wifey will sit there and yell till you understand... even if u dont.

--- Your girlfriend will smile and laugh quietly at your jokes.
--- Your wifey will burst out laughing not caring if she looks stupid.

--- Only you will know when your girlfriend is mad at you.
--- Your whole crew will know when your wifey is mad at you.

--- Your girlfriend only knows a few about your friends.
--- Your wifey has inside jokes with them.

--- Your girlfriend remembers the day you guys started going out and your birthday untill you two break up.
--- Your wifey knows the day you started going out, your birthday, the first time you two kissed, and so much more even after you two break up.

--- Your girlfriend will tell you what she adores about you.
--- Your wifey will tell you everything she adores and hates about you.

--- Your girlfriend will be there till you tell her to leave.
--- Your wifey will be there even after you beg her to leave.

--- Everytime you see your girlfriend you smile.
--- Everytime you see your wifey your heart beats differently.

--- Your girlfriend wants the best for you even if it's not her and she tells u that.
--- Your wifey goes through hell and it kills her to think of you with someone else and she tells you that.

--- Your girlfriend will move on when it's over and keep you there as a friend.
--- Your wifey will cry her eyes out and try to fix what went wrong.

--- You know that she's just a girlfriend when you look at her and think of someone else.
--- You know that she's your wifey wen she's the one you think of when you look at someone else.

Basically:

Who first came to your mind when you read the wifey part?
Who ever that was, is your wifey.
If you have that wifey let them know.
If you have a girlfriend and you miss your wifey.. let her go.

1 Corinthians 13

2009-07-15T18:25:00.001-07:00

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself,[a] but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.[b]

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete[c] comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

---

You learn something new everyday don't you?... I looked up this verse strictly randomly... but its so beautiful.

Out of Body...

2009-07-15T18:12:00.000-07:00

Out Of Body...

Hey you...

Hey,

You...

Hi

my name is Dezjwarna'e. But uhm most people call me Dez.. I'm 21 and just slightly a hardcore Sagittarius...lol...

im 5'8 on a GOOD day 5'9... but i feel really short. i love to talk but i'll be silent if i think you're not listening... i write, and i sing but they both have to come from a passionate place or they just dont come out right.. At least to me... I'm not needy but i do have trust issues, past experiences have only further exacerbated tht problem... Sorry... But once i believe in you... You'll know it... you'll feel it... Im expressive, if i love you... Normally i'll tell you unless i think it'll push you away... I am not a fan of casual sex or slutty girls... in fact i'm quite anti both of these things... i love kids but i don't think i want them anymore,,, i dont thinki have enough love left to give them... I'm loyal to a fault... yet, it seems like the only person that it seems to hurt is me... so ye, i may be re-evaluating tht triat soon... ii love to be held but i'll probably NEVER admit to it... its not gangster... like at all... but it'll mean so much if you figure it out... i dont have many friends but i used to be surrounded by people... I've drastically cut down on tht... im tired of it frankly.. people are over-rated, they hurt you and lie to you and ugh... it's just not worth it... i love to be alone but im so scaredof being lonely, i believe tht leads to an early grave... I love my family... sometimes i feel overwhelmed though...As much as people dont believe i finally let my ex go... For some reason people tht she was this golden child tht i was supposed to be with... personally i think she was a leaf and we all know what happens to leaves in the winter... No love lost though... Just perspective gained...im really, really shy and at times although i can be a bit narcissistic i think i only matter to me... thus it ALWAYS surprises me when someone remembers my name... the most tiny, simple, little everyday things can either make my day or hurt my heart... Those big gestures normally seem so thought out, so planned tht i tend to look to the little shit thts normally unconscious to see what i mean to someone.. i think tht my loved ones take me for granted. a lot...but hey... wat can u do?... Heck, they crucified Jesus , what makes me think they gone care about lil ol me...?...

im single but my heart is taken... its a precarious situation but i own it... i hope tht it remains intact as to what it is now... though broken, its holding.

im a dreamer and when i believe in something i believe in it... but see all i believe in at this moment is me... the kids and her... evrything else normally blows with the wind... and even she's shaky so...

huh?

i'm sorry... ye thats Dez-Jwar-nae... damn, im so sorry, i thought you were somene else... you look just like someone i used to know...

i mean the same eyes, same hair,same smile... shit.

i apologize for wasting your time...thanks for understanding... lol... ye you've been there too... what was her name?... really?... how long were y'all together... damn us too... funny...well look if you needa talk about it... if you needa cry about it... when you're ready to let it go call me...

i may be able to help...i know someone ud be perfect for...

call it my female intuition but im sure she'd love to meet you again tooo...

767442...I wish

2009-07-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

I wish you were strong enough to love me like i love you...
I wish you kept your words...
I wish you were brave enough to face your demons...
I wish you loved me enough to stay...
I wish you hadn't done so much...
I wish you had done so much...
I wish that you knew how much i appreciate everything...
I wish that you didn't take me for granted...
I wish you knew what you had...
I wish you respected me...Oh how i wish you respected me...
I wish you knew me,
I wish you knew you...
I wish you remembered us...
I wish you cared...
I wish i knew...
I wish you'd show it if you did...
I wish i didn't have this have this recurring feeling of repulsion/adoration...
I wish i still believed...
I wish you thought with your heart and not your head...
I wish i didn't still miss your selfish ass...lol
I wish that i didn't still feel inspired in any way to write for you...
I wish...

I wish you knew what you were letting walk away,
I wish that you were more expressive..
I wish you appreciated me...
I wish i didnt still love you like i do...
I wish you didnt know it...
I wish...
I wish i could stop wishing...

Circle...

2009-07-15T18:04:00.001-07:00

I never wanted you to suffer and i never wanted to suffer in silence... CRAP CRAP CRAP>>>

I'm so scared of becoming cold... So damn scared of just waking up and not caring...

i know they say one persons trash is anothers treasure but gee whiz...

I dunno...

I really don't and i hear thts okay but...

i REALLY wanted to move tht mountain... I wish i hadnt been tryna pick tht big bastard up by myself...

Yet, there is something so beautiful underneath...

me....

& you.

ABOUT THAT FAITHFUL WIFE...HYPOTHETICALLY? OF COURSE.

2009-07-15T17:54:00.002-07:00

THAT HAD TO BE THE STUPIDEST ARGUMENT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND...
NO,
REALLY...
I'M SO UPSET IT'S RIDICULOUS...
IT REALLY IS...
YOU SAT THERE AND YELLED AT ME FOR NOTHING...
FOR NOTHING...
AND I CALLED BACK BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT NEEDED TO BE TALKED ABOUT, BECAUSE I RESPECT YOU AND GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK OF ME..
AND YOU YELLED AT ME...
AND I ALWAYS EXCUSE IT...
I ALWAYS MAKE IT OKAY IN MY HEAD,
BUT
IM SO TIRED OF BEING HURT...
IM WORTH SO MUCH MOR THAN THAT.
iM A DAMN GD WOMAN AND IM TIRED OF CHASING SOMETHING THAT IS INSISTENT ON RUNNING AWAY FROM ME...

IM TIRED...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH... GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW I LOVE YOU...LIKE THE DEPTHS OF MY LOVE FOR YOU... GIRL I LOVE YOUR BAD HABITS FOR NOTHING MORE THAN THE MERE REASON THAT THEY'RE SIDE EFFECTS OF YOU...
BUT YOU WERENT EVEN WOMAN ENOUGH TO FIGHT FOR ME.. OR YOU DIDNT THINK I WAS WORTH IT...

EITHER WAY I WAS THE FOOL...
YOU BLAMED ME FOR SO MUCH AND SHIT IS FUCKED STILL..
BUT IT WAS ME HUH?...
OR MAYBE I WASN'T BLAMED.. MAYBE ITS JUST THE WHOLE THE ONES THAT LOVE YOU THE MOST ARE THE ONES YOU GIVE YOUR ASS TO KISS THING...;
I DUNNO BUT THATS
OKAY...

THATS FINE...

I ACCEPT IT...

I MEANT , I MEAN, THAT FUCKING LITTLE THAT TIME AFTER TIME YOU JUST THROW ME AWAY...

BUT IM NOT DISPOSABLE RIGHT...

YE, OKAY..

ONE DAY...

ONE DAY...

YOU WILL WAKE UP, WITH SOMEONE OR ALONE AND YOUR HEART WILL ACHE FOR ME... YOU'LL MISS ME AS I HAVE MISSED YOU AND I PRAY THAT ITS NOT AS HARD FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR ME....
I REFUSE TO NUMB THIS PAIN, ILL FEEL IT IN ALL ITS GLORY BC I SWEAR ONE DAY... SOMEONE WILL APPRECIATE ME. IF IT TAKES UNTILL IM 93 AND ON MY DEATHBED TO FEEL THAT TUG OF RECIPROCATION THAN HEY...
I'D RATHER HAVE 3 MINUTES OF WONDERFUL THAN A LIFETIME OF NOTHING SPECIAL...
I WANTED TO MOVE THAT MOUNTAIN...
IF IT WAS DAY BY DAY ...
HELL ALL WE NEEDED WAS TO BELIEVE...
BUT HEY...
"THEY SAY IT TAKES TWICE AS LONG TO LET GO AS IT DID TO GET TO KNOW SO ONE HOUR DOWN... 8 MORE YEARS TO GO"...

&

2009-07-15T17:54:00.001-07:00

i listened to my friend tell me how yo used to look at me... It seems like a fairytale...

I Make 'Em LOVE this Sagitarius!

2009-07-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

Okay...
so a Ms. S. Sharae posted this blog and it made me look back into
myself... okay... im a Sagittarius, and i'm kinda hard-core like a
Sag... lol... I say that to say i pretty much fit the bill.

****************************************************************************************

December 2 Birthday Astrology

The mysterious Sagittarius men and women born on December 2 are big
on image. They are romantic and talented; their talents often relate to
the arts. They sometimes use their talent to shelter themselves from
the world. They seem strong but are vulnerable to emotional pressures.
They seldom show their wounds, putting a positive spin on difficult
events.

Sagittarius Information for December 2

You should embrace:

Drama, courage, commitment to excellence

You should avoid

Rash choices, envy, a broken heart

Friends and Lovers

Few people display the loyalty and affection that December 2 men
and women show. December 2 people love on an epic scale. They often
fall in love unwisely, but there is no doubt of their sincerity.
Learning to live with their romantic choices can be difficult, but
these resilient people are up to the task.

Children and Family

Because December 2 men and women keep their insecurities under
wraps, they're more sensitive than they may appear. In childhood, they
may have attributed melodrama to events that, to other eyes, would seem
ordinary. They are fun-loving, cheerful parents and are ambitious for
their kids but never attempt to push them.

Health

Emotions generally dictate the health of December 2 men and women.
While exercise can help dispel negative emotions, they are more likely
to rely on meditation techniques. By picturing a positive conclusion to
a dilemma, they are able to affect the outcome.

Career and Finances

People born on this date often place their career goals above
everything. This is sometimes their way of coping with disappointments
in other areas. They make a habit of doing things in a big way and
don't worry about the price tag.

Dreams and Goals

December 2 people believe that, with a little luck, any dream or
wish can come true. These remarkable men and women are usually able to
accomplish whatever they set out to do. While it isn't easy for them to
rebound from failure, they have the ability to turn their focus to
another important goal if they must give up on their primary one.

***************************************************************************************

I know it's a lot to read but it's extremely true... the site is so awesome! lol...

Okay... So i was i with 2 {{Geminis'}} one right after the other
actually... lol... and we got along just fine, until we didn't. They
were too emotional to me... It was just too much for me.They were both
unbelievably inconsistent. And they both lied... So i've officially
swore them off. lol..

I was in love with a {{Leo}}... and it was the best relationship
i've had thus far (yet you're free to change that... lol)But when it
was bad, it was awful, they are entirely too prideful for me, to the
point of cruelty... Anyone who lets their mind overpower their heart
cant be it for me. I dont work that way... i have a different set of
core values and in the long run i wind up hurt.. Big hearts break
often.

I was with a {{Scorpio}} and i loved, but in my experience they are
just so damn mean, once you get into their inner circle they can be
good people but you really cannot be sensitive because you'll really
get your feelings hurt. Repeatedly.

I loved a {{Pisces}} and i hurt her, so i'm scared of them. They
are strong yet docile people and i really don't want to run anyone
over. It's not really how i do things...

I've never dated an Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Aquarius, Taurus, Libra, Virgo or a Sagittarius...

So i really don't have an opinion on those just yet... But hey... we never know what tomorrow brings...

Fuck the pain Away

2009-07-15T17:48:00.002-07:00

Lets fuck the pain away...

lets run as far as we can away from
the yelling, the screaming, the fussing the cussing
the shouting, the fighting...
lets hide from the arguments, the jealousies...
lets close the blinds, open our minds and inhale one another...
lets seek refuge from the wars,
boycott these stores and stay inside ...
stay inside untill they start looking for us...
WAIT for the cops to come knocking...
&& then not answer the door...
lets turn off the phones, two-ways, i.m's and any other contact
with the world outside our window and just be...
See now i know a lot of people wonder why that would be my answer,
why in this crazy crazy world, i can come up with no better escape than
lets fuck the pain away...
well i mean though fucking may not be conscious...
it sure feels good...
And at the end of the day what more can we ask for?
See i can't control the overbearing boss...
I cant control the dis-loyal best friend...
I can't pay your rent...
I cant lower gas prices...
I cant make your mom give you that hug...
I cant make your dad be that man that you expected him to be...
I cant make the lights stay on...
I cant make them give you that job...
I cant make this world see you like i see you...
So innocent, vulnerable and awesome...
Theres just so much that i Cant do...
But
i can help you fuck the pain away...
I can give you that orgasmic release be it physical or mental...
I can hold you untill the panic passes...
I can help you fuck the pain away...
I can be your sounding board...
I can help you fuck the pain away...
I can be your best friend ...
I can be your enemy...
I can be your everything...
So...
Cum on...
Let's do it...
Let's fuck...
The pain away...

Old Comments

2009-07-15T17:48:00.001-07:00

Memories of what we used to be... Wow...
Really, Wow...
Like i went through my old comments... and i realized that i really am loved.. I know that's a random ass way to look at it and that is in no way the only way that i came to this conclusion..its just always fun to see who loves you enough to do PDA. Personally, i love PDA because i have nothing to hide. period the end. My truth is the truth. So i dont have to hide. And i appreciate that in others... Like when my ex stopped it, i knew she was done. It just really is held in high regard to me... So i guess hint hint to any up and comers... lol... But ye... So Ye... My personalized Thank You's...

Asya... 5/29/2006 - Gurl you have no idea how much this meant to me... I think this is when i locked you in my heart.
L'Oren... 8/19/2006 - You let me know you still loved me even though i was gone. And yo still do. I love you for that... (Among other reasons of course)
Tanequa...9/26/2006 - You realized that i loved you even if you were far away... Lol... You know you're my heart but i didn't remember you used to send me the sweetest comments...
Ariel... 11/13/2006 - You made me cry even tonight...I wish we weren't friends... You know why..lol...
Princess... 2/7/2007 - I love you too... Although sporadic. you're consisent.
Elissa... 2/14/2007 - Girl ever since you came around ripping off tank tops... You've loved me unconditionally. You have no idea how grateful i am.
Mia... 3/15/2007 && 5/7/2007 - Girl You've been molesting me for years and getting away with it, if that's not love...Plus you always got me. I'm so proud of your hype ass.
Chaz...4/11/2008 - Now you've left me awesome sweet oving comments but this one was so damn you... My chaz Punk!
Tiffany...12/4/2006, 1/19/2007, 1/14/2007, 1/31/2007 - What more is there to say? I Love You.
Jarnae...1/14/2009 - Meant the world to me...

02/21/2005... Girl i didn't know you sent me so many coments... may 06... the end of March 07 Yes nigga the entire end...lol... 4/5/2007... i cried... then and now... No one has ever written me ANYTHING to this DAY so ye... That MEANS so much to me... Like i can feel the tears now... 3/19/2008 and a host ofothers... 12/1/2006.. You've NEVER missed a birthday... I guess its true... You can't see things clearly when you're in the thick of things... i appreciate you.

02/24/2007... 7/21/2006,2/12/2007, 4/29/2007 and a good long list of others... You've randomly checked in on me for years... i never knew... 5/20/2007, 5/21/2007, 5/25/2007, 6/2/2007, 6/20/2007, 6/24/2007, 1/7/2008...and the list continues untill it ends... You know how i feel. I know how you used to... lol.. Clarification would be beautiful but i know that's reaching. Just know...Onc upon a time. This was our truth...

Okay and stalkers feel free to stalk and match and ish. i don't really care... But this isn't to blast anyone I LOVE YOU TOO, from the bottom of my heart. ...Jus something i realized before i closed my eyes...

Good Night.

not finished and like 3 different ideas... any suggestions?

2009-07-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

Waking up to another tear soaked pillow from a sleep deprived night that was the result of yet another dreadful fight... i look to the nightstand to see how long it's been since i last saw my girlfriend. seeing as how she left the house at 5 am and here it is 3. i know thats she's everywhere but where she needed to be. SO i went through all the stages untill i opened up my eyes... i acknowledged the deception, i acknowledged that she lied... i told her this time was the last time as i said the time before... So although i see some trying, i have to hit the door. But how can i do this when i said i'd never leave, well maybe i won't stay gone forever but im in need of a reprieve... i knew you'd be home soon and that would make it too damn hard. I figured i'd just slip away with the hoe-bag in my car... but then the memories started up, our first kiss, our first hug, our first night, our first trip, our first hike, our first "i love yous" and our first "good-byes" the first time i loved you enough to swallow all my pride... and i cried and tried to purge the momories that've become part of me... and i cried myself to sleep utterly inadvertantly...i dreamed a dream so vivid i know hand picked by God Himself... teaching me to walk alone when for so long i'd walked with someone else...I saw me as i was... Swollen eyes, matted hair and looking like i wanted to be anywhere but there... and i watched myself:
sit up...
thinking of every disrespectful gesture...
pick up my leg...
remembering every hurtful phrase...
plant that foot firmly on the floor...
as i thought of those nights spent alone...
now the other leg...
realize that while your body is wecked with sobs, hers...isn't.
just STAND UP...
& remember that before her... You WERE standing.
put one foot in front of the other and just keep going... You may be wobbly and trust you will fall... So steer clear of the broken glass you tend to love so much, turn the other way and whatever you do. Please don't touch... Walk with purpose even f you now have a limp. Consider it a battle scar. I can't believe i lived through this... If you can handle it take the good memories and allow it to be okay. remind yourself of why youre leaving, remind yourself that you can't stay... And i know its a tad bit hypocritical bc i love her still, every single part... I beg of you, i plead with you , right now... please dont follow your heart... Right now your head is critical for it keeps your purpose clear.. For if your heart numbers your steps... they may lead you right back here..

What to do when the one you love, loves someone else...

2009-07-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

let her go...

always something there to remind me

2009-07-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

So, I've been the super girlfriend, let u think tht nothing bothered me... Bt, I'm human! I feel. And although I thought I was done with this I find myself right back here! Still crying still upset! Still bothered! Y? I play and say you voodooed me bt, really y? Y can't I let you go? Why do I still care tht you don't? How do u just move forward? Like we never loved at all... Like I was never there, like I never existed like u weren't my world. I.think that I put so much energy into loving you tht I forgot how to love me. I look in the mirror and I see a different girl... I mean sure her hair is different and she wears makeup now... Bt its her eyes that get me, they're just so sad...so lifeless...so empty!. I miss you! In spite of myself bc ur living and it seems like with someone! Lol... And I'm not... Yes, I wake up in the morning, do wht I have to do and go to sleep bt I'm nt living! I'm existing. I'm trying my damndest to get by... Some days it works better than others. And I look forward to the day I can nonchalantly let someone answer ur calls. I look forward to the day someone will actually love me and show it, I look forward to the day I can truly give my heart to someone... So umm, can u please give it back?

Learned Indiffernce

2009-07-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

I called you,
Just to hear your voice.
For even with this newfound resolve, I still...
I just still.
And whoever she was,
She answered your phone.
And I remembered. So much.
Not enough to bring up, because you already know.
But, I remembered.
Yet,
Not a tear fell.
And although I shouldn't care, my first thought was...
You would be so proud.
I finally learned.

Indifference.

tonight

2009-06-17T22:38:00.001-07:00

Although i laid my head , sleep wouldn't come,

so...Tonight, i cried...
like i have so many times before...
the only difference being...
instead of blaming you, tonight, i forgave you...
I laid my head on my pillow and allowed all the emotions

held at bay to overcome me...
and as the steady stream of tears became the body wrecked

with sobs...
i remembered, every little detail, every single tear,
And i forgave you....
for lying and telling me that my moms called you.
i forgive you.
for being the best woman YOU knew how to be.
(though you were an awesome friend)
i forgive you.
for breaking my heart.
i forgive you.
for breaking my spirit.
i forgive you.
for breaking my trust.
i forgive you.
for slandering my name.
i forgive you.
for not keeping your word.
i forgive you.
for the misery.
i forgive you.
for you taking the 20%.
I forgive you.
for not being there when i needed you.
i forgive you.
for not being you when i needed you.
i forgive you.
for not wanting me.
i forgive you.
for wanting her too.
i forgive you.
for disrespecting me.
i forgve you.
for disrespecting yourself.
i forgive you.
for doing what you did because you KNEW i would forgive

you.
i forgive you.

See, i was told that i could never move forward if i didn't

forgive. && i wasted so much time being mad at you, being

upset with you, being dissapointed in you. THat i didn't

have the time to learn from it.
So.
I
FOrgive
You.
and for giving you that power.
I
Forgive
Myself.

umm...

2009-06-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone...
I feel as if i've been gone forever!... So i guess i'll catch everyone up... Umm . i found a job... I'm not gonna say i love it...but i does pay me... lol... I applied to school.. all i'm waiting for is my damn high school transcript... Blast you Grand Prairie high School... Y oh Y must you mke life so difficult for me?...
My BM and My BF are both off being all they can be and such...
Umm...
About that...
Keep 'em in your prayers...
i went back to Sprint... So far so good...
Umm... I dunno what else to say ... Trying to make things fall into place... Now just working on this whole car thing...
Be Back Soon...

UNGRATEFUL BITCH

2009-04-12T23:23:00.001-07:00

Ungrateful Bitch...
Current mood:whataboutyourfriends?

Okay so this is the first time in a long time that i'm actually going to vent in a blog. I was going to try to spare people's feelings but really... Who spares mines?

Here goes...

Usually i don't let what i consider to be petty shit bother me but at this point in my life i'm tired. So tired of being stepped on, stepped over and used. I give and i give but people are full of shit.. Period, point blank.

Now lets take the situation at hand. Once upon a time i was really close to a couple of people. So much so that we felt the need to forever date this fact. Although i didn't always agree with certain life choices they made i loved them no less. Yet and still. One of these people cared so little that when NaNa called... She left. No GoodBye. No How Ya Doin. No Anything. Just left. So i was as good as done.
Granted the other person did the exact same thing to me not too long after. needless to say Neither of the relationships panned out... And they both wound up back. One before the other though. And it was worked through. So... Moving right along... No matter what me and the latter went through, i had her back and i thought she had mines. When that other one was playing my size barbie i still had her ass...I may have been
Rash at times. But i was there. I was always there. But when a woman that i was truly, madly , deeply in love with was going to the other ones house late as fuck at night, No one told me...
At least not directly... Only in passing like i wasn't gonna hear that shit.
Then, when shit got even more real, they both wound up staying ina n apartment that was in my name. But whereas they may have been splitting the rent. I was paying my full half. Friends though, right?... Right?... When they moved, (although one said she was moving by herself mind you) i had NOWHERE to stay. Absolutely nowhere. AND a 300 dollar light bill taht all 3 of us ran up. But i paid along with my transfer fee.
Even though i knew they had snake in 'em...I guess i never thought they'd bite me... i guess that's what i get for thinking right? Right?...
Full responsibility on me though because i'm smarter than that. i'm better thatn that. And because i know that it wasn't all their fault. So my ex...
Usually i'd say i mis-judged her...No, damn that, she mis-represented herself. i thought that i was sharing myself with a woman who truly loved, cherished and oh yeah RESPECTED me. I thought that i was spilling my Tea to a woman who would hold it, who could handle it. I thought i was in a mutual LOVING relationship... i thought she fucking respected me... I WAS WRONG!
Lol, but it's cool though. Because see, i know that i'm better than, i know that i'm worth it... I know that it's not okay for me and my "best friend" to have fucked the same girl... more than once.. even if we don't know it.. HA! Get tested bitches!!!!! You wonder why i bitched... I know something you don't know!!!

But, i'm the one left out... When you couldn't talk to your mother. Nigga you spoke to MINE.When you couldn't say it...You quoted me. I see me OOZE out of you and you and i'm the one that gets fucked inthe end.
It is what it is... Yet, it's be a lie to say my feelings aren't touched. You went pole dancing on my birthday... and you had a date... and you, you broke my heart.
The fact that i'm emotional is an understatment but i'm also honest. i do what i say i will and i'll tell you what you need to know andi respect you. periodd.
Can't say that i'm surprised though... People turned on Jesus so...
How dare i expect people to be loyal to me?...

I can't, So i won't, though i do. But truth be told... You i expect shit from you my nigga, do you even know who you are?.. But to those other too...I really thought you loved me. We lived as man and wife and we lived as sisters... Just know what goes around, damn sure comes around.

Wait for me...

Are you Effing Serious?

2009-04-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

So you mean to tell me that you can goto her birthday crap but you couldn't even call me for mines... i hope you die bro. real talk... Dont worry about me no more.. Just don't. me and my Fam are just fine. I didn't exist. I was just someone you met in the computer lab one night. you've been single for the last 2 years... i was really gonna try to build a friendship... But. damn that.. im good on you. Like so done. Ugh. I hope you recieve all you deserve but that's all i can do. I may be angry right now but i know the gist of what im saying. Your Mom is in my prayers.

I'm Good...

Definitely, Maybe/Hancock

2009-04-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

So, i was watching the movie Definitely Maybe and (to the ones who haven't seen the movie sorry) but at the end when his daughter makes him give the book back to April and she's all pissy at him for keeping it for so long, he tells her he kept the book because it was the only thing he had left of her. I feel him so much. So damn much.

It's like utterly aggravating. My mom calls me and we're talking and gossiping and my mom stops me and asks, " Have you talked to the black mexican?" lol, are you serious?...Did you really just ask me that? And i tell her, No. She says, "Y'all aren't even friends?" Now mind you at this point i'm feeling this hodgepodge of emotions ranging from anger, nostalgia, aggravation and confusion. Like really? this is my mom, not a gay mom, or play mom...NO, my mom. The only one i'll ever have. And after all the shit i went through with this girl , i'm trying my best to forget, to push these last two years of my life into a folder and the folder into a file and the file into a cabinet and then that cabinet into the smallest room int he very back of my heart. Trying desperately because this pain is different pain. A pain that emanates from the bottom of my feet, courses through my veins and then escapes through my mouth in every word i say. I speak you. i breath you. i find myself doing things i wouldn't normally do, all in the name of YOU. and it drives me bananas. I wanna say that you aren't worth my tears. You aren't worth my actions. That you aren't worth shit actually, lol. But i know deep down that that isn't true. Not even a little, not even at all. I know that somewhere under those layers of asshole you still want me, & i know you still care for me... I know you still think of me.. & i know you still love me. But you have your reasons, and i have mines. But no one told me letting go of you would be this damn hard, i look back on good times, and then i flash to bad times to make myself NOT. Not care, Not reminisce, just Not. But it just further proves to me that the bad times weren't all that bad. They just were just pre-cursors to all the wonderful memories that were yet to be made. I dunno, i could make this poetic and fill it with prose and all that good stuff but i just needed to vent because i have to see you in the next couple of minutes. If you're still reading, then you know that i kept things to prove to myself that we happened. Because i have nothing left to show. Except for that small reminder on my left inner ankle.
And that's the thing that hurts the most.

GIVE ME A REASON ( BREAK DOWN ONLY ) - VAMPYRE

What About Me?

2009-04-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

You ask me for your things...
&& it's the simple things in life you forget...
i found out that you'd hidden my book from me... and your response was , "Did you think i was going to let you walk away and i not have anything?"
Well, that's kind of how i feel now.
You took your smile, you took your laugh, You took a big chunk of me... And whether you use it or not, you keep it...
You own the perfect stranger. I bought it for you. Bc it was the first date you took me on. Hancock was the first date i took you on. If you want it you can have it...But...

What do i get?

What do i hold on to?

Its Not Fair.

2009-04-02T11:53:00.001-07:00

So much to say, no one to say it to...
i look around and i see all these couples doing all the things we should've been, we would've been doing....
and it just doesn't seem fair...
i know that i wasn't always right, i know that i'm not always right but... i mean it's just not fair...

I was true to you.
When you got out of jail... i should've hugged you... instead i interrogated you.
I apologize.
when you wanted to talk, all i heard were past lies...
I apologize.
When you needed me, i needed me too...
I apologize.
When you thought you could fix it, i couldnn't open up.
I apologize.
When you wanted to get closer to me, i wouldn't let you for fear of what you ultimately did anyway.
Yet, I still apologize.

No, buts... It takes two.. Though understand that it all comes from somewhere... you Said you Would NEVER leave me... You said you'd always be there, you said that you loved me, You called me your wife, You pushed your way into my life and you stayed there for 2 years... Then when you were ready you just stopped. You pulled away and lived a separate life... I don;t know if pieces of me are still intact or no... But you pulled away completely. noo phone calls, no text messages, no emails... no anything. Just me and my thoughts... I grew a lot of resentment bc of that... and it just kills me to think that i'm that easily replaced or that easily lived without (yes, i know that's not a word...) Still, i'm so lost without you... The bright things just aren't so vibrant... The sweet things don't quite satify me as they used to. Everything brings a bittersweet memory...

... i see those that half less than a fraction of what we had and they stick it out, they hold on... and we're too far gone to ever be what we've been but damn, what would have become?... I guess i'll never know but i can say this...

Je vous aime plus que la vie lui-même et quand vous êtes prêts, mettons le passé derrière nous et faisons ce droit. Je ne dis pas que ce sera facile. Mais je promets qu'il le vaudra.

Nikki's Interrogation Tape

2009-03-30T12:54:00.001-07:00

I never thought.

2009-03-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

being here makes me miss you. but i'll get over it. Not too much more to say.

Shanes Interrogation Tape

2009-03-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

Doing Just Fine

2009-03-13T01:59:00.000-07:00

Doing Just Fine - Boyz II Men

Lyrics | Boyz II Men Lyrics | Doing Just Fine Lyrics

Daddys Little Girl... Her Little Toy,..

2009-03-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

So, she audaciously asked me why'd i compare her to my Him...

Lol... first off...
We met the same way...When he was ready to be a part of my life,, he became a part of my life...
When he decides to call me back he's always so self righteous, like i dont have every reason to call him a deadbeat...
Mind you he NEVER calls...
If i decide to come around...His friends and coworkers say, "i didn't know you had another daughter" Mind you i'm the eldest...
He lies...
Hes a constant Disappointment...
yet, hes a part of my make up that i cant erase, i look just like him... i have his mannerisms and he runs through my bloodstream... I am, because He was...

She was there when she wanted to be...
She never calls...
Shes arrogant enough to believe that i should "appreciate" when she calls me back... Oh the laughter i got out of that one...
People Dont know my name nor that she was just attached for the last 2 years... Mind you... I thought we were real...
She Lies...
She's nothing more than a disappointment.
Yet shes a part of my make up that i cant erase, i hear her voice...We share mannerisms, she ran through my bloodstream... I was because she is...

Lol.. and to bring it on home... I gave them my heart, they stole my choice, my innocence in a sense... My belief in true love...

Thank you... they say every truly great writer has to struggle. If thats true... You've helped me exponentially.

The interrogation Tapes-- Tina

2009-03-09T11:45:00.003-07:00

For those of you as pissed as i am and those that missed it...

Even Losing you My Love...

2009-03-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

First Blog Since the RePlay---

2009-03-07T22:51:00.000-08:00

Please forgive my Candor... It really isn't meant to be in any way disrespectful... But understand i can only speak my truth as i know it...

if im in any way ignorant to something.

please...

enlighten me. {i'll happily edit}

One of the most cliche but true perceptions of womanhood is the right to change our minds... Now i dont invoke that right at this time but keep it in mind... i know me...

So i was always one of those people that my single friends hated because even if i was single...i was always the one that was so gung ho on fight for your man, fight for your woman, fight for whats yours, fight what you believe in. Ive been known to counsel many a friend and even my ex girlfriends new girlfriend on the perils of being selfish in a relationship and about not giving up on people... (even when doing trife shit like hitting on people right UNDER her gals nose in my house! But i'm cut off!) That girl!...

Either way... off of that...{ Sorry, i kinda went off on a bit of a tangent there} But yeah, i've always believed in and respected the power of love... Hell, i was always good to the bitch so i figured she had my back this time...

lol.. Had to... but i mean i really did... I gave ALL i had to this chick in particular... I mean i dug deep.. You know that shit that happened to you when you were 10 and you said you'd take to your grave?.. Yeah, i told that shiit... Cried... Laughed... Shared... genuinely... Nothing ventured to be gained... Just because if you dont risk you dont reap... and to put it in less angry terms - it still wasnt enough... now..

Before supposedly things didnt work because timing was bad and i didnt give my all and yadda yadda yadda... But see this one was different. Like The only woman i'd ever really loved was trying to fix us when me and the most current ex-situation got together and i pushed her for her... To try with her... To build with her... Because let her tell it... she would NEVER hurt me... She would NEVER lie to me... She would NEVER be the person that my SHE was... (Damn, if you read this, yeah i went back to my She... lol.. Hell my Prototype.)But my She aint got SHIT on you Honeybun...

You talked to me like i was a fuqkin dog... Treated me like i was a dog...No i take that back you cherished ya dogs...like i was a nigga on the street that owed you money... And all i ever tried to be was there for you... I'm far from perfect and i still have a lot to learn and hopefully way more growiing to do before this life is over but... i know that for where i am in life im in a good place. Hot one minute then cold the next... Like flat out i dont give a fuck type cold... And rude... Hell ive forgiven the unforgivable with you , i would think i would at least warrant a damn convo but i digress... Naw, damn that... Both birthdays my nigga... BOTH???!!! Bringing it back...

Bringiing it Back...

Now don't get my wrong...im nnot belittling your experience, whatever it was because i didnt li ve your experience... All i can do is speak on mines... i was sick.. i mean cant goto work , use too many points, put my job in jeopardy type sick. Do you know on my birthday...i left work at 10:30 am and thought maybe i could catch you at school and maybe you were looking for me bc i just couldnt believe...i still cant. And now for the first time...I cry...

Shit,

But i did need this...

So if you see typos... work with me...ket me have it... either way... as is it in this bed... im bombarded by memories... from running like abitch to keep from being tickled.. to just laying and talking... to you rubbing my head untill i fell asleep... to my hair being green , to me taking you to my family... to me never meeting yours... that was like the one gift i saw you kept... and its where?...hell Splash 07 in the Camry that morning... I was so open... Oh how i love you.. How i showed it... It had been 5 years... You could've said no... You should've said no...I would've respected no...You made me feel so beautiful... so needed... so wanted and then... Shit, and then.. you couldnt finsh what YOU started and i'll leave it at that... You know and i know what YOU started. But i never left your side... Never... I was willing to share you just to have you and allow you to be able to experience new shit... Willing to step out of my box, try to justify not repsecting myself...Are you serious?... For what?... A bunch of empty words?... To help YOU out just a lil more... Get you back on your feet?.. Smile when you couldn't?... Such cowardice in such a strong person... I could go on and on but i mean i guess the bottom line with you is you couldn't love me when it hurt...

and you... you made me cry last week... I can fully understand you wanting to be a better you and not fall into old, detrimental habits... But have i EVER tried to get you out of a relationship?... EVER? Dont worry i'll wait...
I befriended this girl... Saw her for her... Put on rose colored glasses... I let you and her into my personal bubble... (you know what i mean specifically, whats understood dont need to be explained) when she talked to me... i talked to her like we'd knoown each other for 1000 years... Because i love you... Nothing more, nothing less... More than your successor, me and you were friends... Like i could and normally would tell you everything... There were chicks before you but you were Her... No matter what anyone said, no matter how anyone felt... Have you seen my damn leg... My entire left thigh... I need closure, so i covered your name but...Agape... Come on... I went through hell with my current at the time just to get her to let me talk to you because i refused to put you out of my life... I remember when i went up to the tattoo shop to have old dude draw ya tatt... OMG... It wa sso chill... a lil tensiion in the air bc it had been awhile but it was chill... No buull, no extrea and i went home to my gal... No probs... I could deal with that... But i stayed next door to you with you denying me to ya chik... I never disrespected that girl... Why couldnt she know?...As soon as.. Hell mines did... Do you know how that made me feel?... of course not, you nver asked... but i dealt...bc it made you happy... and all we were trying to be was friends... but of course... thats not feasible...

So theres 2 people... 2 sets of promises... all broken and shot completely to hell... But im no damn fool... i realize the common link was me... so i mean what is it... when they needed me, i was there... when they wanted me ... i was there... the only exceptions being when i was doing life shit with the fam which was NOT often, at all...
But they cant stand me, dont like me... dont wanna be with me... and the kicker is felt sorry for me... Oh i coulda cursed her good when she said that bullshit... But you where you wanna be and yyou love me and you this and you that... Or you were doing things for the good of me and my friend and blah blah blah... But you had to throw eeyore in there huh?... Why?...To show me you remembered?... I get it... i got it...

But i mean really for what?... To once again thank me for "teaching you" how to love ... Im really starting to hate that fucking phrase... what am i the starter wife?... I give youthe skills and you use them on another bitch... The Fuck... So where's my Bitch that's already passed her pre-reqs... OR do i have to wait for you to want to finish school?... Ugh... Once again disgusted...I'm left woith no shoulder but everybody wants to lean on me, I guess i'll wait for someone to save this hero...

Officially, crying out for help.

-dezjwarna'e dominique
-

...When things aren't right, i Write...

2009-03-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

I think i've finally realized that He made me poetically inclined to release MY mind...
See, I play hard as nails with my heart on my sleeve.
But, i still cant wrap my mind around how you can just leave...

See i read somewhere i wouldn't die if you ever left but i pray you never leave... it'd be an understatement to say i just agreed... But i felt where they were coming from, i felt the angst behind it... I just feel like either i'm the dumbest bitch in the world or i was just, just blinded... not a month ago you skipped when you saw me...

skipped.

& now, you've skipped...

if it wasnt so damn sad it'd be funny...

Yet,, i have to ask myself do i miss you or your company?... Like the really warped thing about the entire situation is that although i know that i love you... i also know we BOTH need to see wht life is like without the other...i mean yeah, i know but... new experiences are always appreciated...

but i cant dwell... im so weary... so damn tired...

i cant say i wish you well but i can say that bc i wish you all that you deserve... if you need to rest your head... Home is...

well...

you figure out where home is...

UGH!!!

2009-02-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

And, i really tried to love you...
Yet, im utterly disgusted...
No..
Really.
Utterly disgusted...

Why the fuck couldn't you just be who you said you were?
Why couldn't you just be who you pretended to be?
Why did you have to lie?
Better yet, why did i believe you?...

i tried to love you how i wanted to be loved, FAITHFULLY,UNWAVERING,UNCONDITIONALLY,WITHOUT LIMITS, CORRECTLY...
im sorry call me a cynic but there's a right and a wrong way to love someone...

Sorry, music break...

either way.

im just so damn tired... And i really want to not care anymore... i want to not be bothered... i want you to realize that the best thing that ever happened to you is slipping through your fingers... that she's building back those walls that were impenetrable for years before you... and that in a while, she'll fly her pretty wings away from you and not look back.

that she's trying the best she can to keep her word and be here as she said she'd be. That all she wants is reciprocation. Effing consistency. Not this PUSH ME, PULL ME BULLSHIT!!!.

that she's so alone right now she feels as if she's going crazy... All of her "so called friends" are full of shit... and there are no real exception other than that TROUBLEsome pisces... (she's effing awesome). All the rest are doing their own thing and she's thisclose to not giving two damns about them either... Trust me... even my dearest you is replaceable. But they wont miss me till the numbers the same but it doesnt get answered, or the car is here but the door isnt anwered... but hey.. You bring this on yourself so it iis what it is, yet i digress...

Back to the subject at hand. All i can do is tell you... Dont ruin your best thing being pig-headed and closeminded.

You never truly know love untill it leaves you. But sometimes, it really is too late.

--dezjwarna'e dominique

Pride...

2009-02-26T17:58:00.000-08:00

I've been having mixed emotions about this lately...
I'm a person that lives her life under the umbrella of knowing that tomorrow may not come so if i were to go today, would i be satisfied?...
Because of that i feel like if i love you, if i hate you, if i miss you, if i need you...i should tell you because as i said today is all we have.
So if you don't wake up {Lord Forbid} then i want you to go knowing...
that you were, are, and will be so important to me...
and i'm proud of that... I'm proud of the fact that I'm woman enough to be able to tell my loved ones that i love them...I'm proud of the fact that I'm secure enough in my self to make sure that you're able to be secure in me as well...
Yet, on the flip side, a lot of people take the word pride and put it on what's essentially fear or cavalierity (i know its not a word but it fits).
its like out of not wanting to be seen as weak or in some way not in control of the situation not realizing that being in total control of a situation is having absolutely no control at all.
I know that feeling lie you're falling in soem way can be overwhelming but have you ever thought of what you could be falling into, hell even falling out of?...It doesn't have to hurt. It could be a perfect fit. Attitude is everything. And if you believe that something cant be or wont be. You are entirely correct. its all in what you make it.

ugh... i really had a point with this one...i promise... but i lost it... i'll be back...

I Give Up

2009-02-26T17:44:00.000-08:00

i give up the negativity and i embrace newness...
i give up the bad memories and i retain the lessons...
i give up the tears and acknowledge how much tougher they made my skin...
i give up the asshole persona and give her me...
i give up the fear of the breakup and live for the possibility of the relationship...
i give up then and look forward to when...
i give up the snowball effect of bullshit...
and agree to let today be about today...
i give up on hurting myself...
just no more lies...
no more secrets...
no more breaking my heart and stepping on it and shit... lol... sorry... random baby boy moment...

hell, rather than being my bette, (bc we know what she's prone to do) be my Jody...

i love you...

its that simple...

*exhales and shakes*

i'd be lying if i didn't say i was scared... but if you dont risk you dont reap...

so ye. im giving... the only place i have to go is up!